Handling an episode of vandalism

Internet, my sisters recommended I post about a recent behavioral dilemma and my proposed response. One sister thinks my solution is awesome and the other thinks it will crush Cameron's spirit. So, in the interest of fairness I'm tossing it over the wall to the Internet to comment and judge. Have at it!

Last weekend we went to the library for story time. Per our usual routine Cameron sat and listened to stories while I perused the bookshelves for new reading material. I found about 10 books and we checked them out and headed home for lunch and nap time.

Cameron has been resisting nap over the past few weekends. She still naps 2 - 2 1/2 hours at daycare so clearly she needs it but she's resisting at home. Typically she gets up and grabs a few books and brings them back to bed. I'm usually OK with that because she is respectful of the books. Unfortunately Cameron was not respectful of a library book and decided to rip several pages out and into itty bitty pieces.

DH discovered this when he went to wake her up. At first he tried to convince me that she somehow did it in her sleep and didn't mean it. Yeah, I wasn't born yesterday so I didn't buy it. Cameron was contrite but she knows that library books are not hers. They belong to the library and we borrow them. She completely understands this which is why saying sorry doesn't cut it for me.

This is what I propose:

1. No more books are allowed in bed. It doesn't matter if they are our books or the library's. She has lost the privilege of having them in bed. This disciplinary action has already been executed with success.



2. Cameron will come with me to the library next weekend when I pay for the book's destruction. She will have to tell the librarian that she ripped it and is sorry.

#1 is clearly not the action being presented to you for commentary. It's #2. So, what do you think? Cameron will be 3 in March and I think she has enough cognition to have this be an effective disciplinarian technique. But I'm asking you to weigh in....

2.5 is kicking my parenting ass

Warning: Brutally honest parenting post lies ahead.

I completely lost my shit this weekend several different times with Cameron. I am not alone because DH did as well (we seem to trade off being the "calm" one) but it is making me feel like a parenting failure.

Cameron just won't listen. She also displays Jekyll and Hyde tendencies which doesn't help things. Perhaps if she was being a little brat all the time I could handle it. But she swings widely from happy, helpful child to willful, screaming, crying beast.

We can't take Cameron out for more than 15-20 minutes or a tantrum will result. I feel like any of the progress we've made over the past year has disappeared. The thing that really drives me batty is that Cameron knows better. She is old enough, verbal enough and cognizant enough to understand that she is being bad.

I feel like I tell her to do things fifteen hundred times before she'll do it. She just doesn't freaking listen. And yes, I wanted to use the non-PC word in that previous sentence but I'm trying to increase my willpower. We were in Target yesterday and I told Cameron that I was sick of her shit. Yup, I swore at my child. I then bodily picked her up and carried her out of the store and threw her in her car seat. And of course, because I wouldn't let her buckle her own belt I had to hear Cameron piss and moan and cry all the way home. Which was an excruciating 15 minutes.

I'm kind of at my wits end because I feel like this behavior has just kind of sprung on us the past few weeks and I am not handling it well. None of my normal parenting tactics: reasoning, time outs, bribery seem to be working. So, any advice for me? Or commiseration? At least tell me this is just a phase!?!

Cameron being helpful in one of her increasingly rare "nice" period.

We see this expression a lot. Cameron saying "no", sneer of disdain on her face.

This might be the photo I use when put up a "For Sale" sign for her. Kidding. Kind of.

The Contrary Miss Cameron

We have hit the wonderful stage of contrariness from Cameron. Give her options for what to wear, what to eat and what to do? She wants none of them!

Ask her if she wants milk she whines, "No milk!" emphatically. Say, "OK, no milk, do you want juice instead?" "No, juice! Milk! Milk! Miiiiiilk!!"

Picture that exact conversation with different nouns occurring at least a dozen times a day. DH and I can't help but laugh at it because it's so crazy she changes her mind a second later. We are working to give Cameron choices which has helped to lessen some of the battles but they still happen on a different level.

The new weapon in my arsenal? This statement: "Well, Mommy has XYZ, so do you want it too?" That's right, Cameron has decided she wants to be just like me in every way possible. I have my hair in a ponytail? She must have it also (although she rips it out a minute later).

Walking into school this morning I noticed the sleeve of her too big rain coat was not rolled up. I went to roll it up and she said, "No, mommy!" I left it alone but told her, "Mommy has her sleeves rolled up, see?" and pointed to my own too big rain coat. 5 seconds later Cameron tugs on my hand and says, "Sleeve, Mommy, sleeve!"

So this is how I now win my battles with Cameron. I just have to do whatever I want her to do and she'll do it too. I wonder how long until that backfires on me? Perhaps when she wants to start drinking out of my wine glass?

A wonderful drama free weekend

DH and I were afraid that speaking it out loud would jinx it. But Sunday afternoon while Cameron was napping he turned to me and said, "Hey, we haven't had to put Cameron in timeout once this weekend!" I quickly knocked on wood, rubbed a rabbit's foot and threw salt over my shoulder. The man who obsesses about baseball should know that you never, never talk about a perfect game. But despite his misstep Cameron triumphed and we avoided all tantrums and timeouts.

There are a few reasons I attribute to our tantrum and timeout free weekend. The first is that Cameron was finally over the ear/sinus infection that had probably plagued her for weeks. The kid doesn't complain so identification of an illness is usually pure luck. She was also well rested. Daycare was closed on Friday (which means our drama free weekend was for 3! whole! days!) so we let her sleep in a little and she had a great nap. Cameron has also had another language explosion. It is rare that we don't understand what she is saying and her sentences are approaching 5-6 words. She can also clearly understand what we are saying and we've made more of an effort to explain things to her, instead of just telling her to do something.

On Sunday the Taylor family hosted us for a BBQ. Good food, sangria and deep frying experiments were all on the menu. Amanda had an Easter egg hunt set up around the yard (hunt is a bit of a misnomer since the eggs were in plain sight). DH and I had been "practicing" with Cameron all weekend when she brough 4 eggs home from daycare so Cameron totally kicked ass. She even ended up transferring Holden's eggs into her basket but he didn't seem to mind.

A picture post to come tonight!

The post where I admit I lost my cool

We have officially entered the land of the Terrible Twos. Although my sister A. assures me that really the Terrible Twos extend until three and four. So much fun to look forward to!

It’s not a constant battle with Cameron. We can go for several hours of her being happy and pleasant (typically when we are out doing something which is why I need to find a new weekend regular activity). And then there are the hours where we hit double digits on timeouts. It requires a level of patience I am not sure I have reserves for. DH and I are also not seeing completely eye to eye on how to discipline Cameron. I am pushing timeouts only. His argument is that they are clearly not working (because we have to do so many). Having conducted research through the oracle that is the Internet, I am stubbornly sticking to my guns that timeouts will work. It make take weeks and so many timeouts that we never leave the house, but it will work. DH makes many comments about spanking Cameron and my automatic reaction is to say, “she’s too young for that” or spout the line, “violence begets violence.” Can’t you tell I’ve spent a lot of time on parenting boards?

Our time out chair is in the play room. It is a captain’s chair turned around to face the wall. We count Cameron out and then tell her “time out for X reason,” plop her in the chair and leave the room. We typically leave her there for 1-2 minutes and ask her, “Are you ready to say sorry?” If Cameron isn’t then she stays in time out. She is pretty good at staying put on the chair although she will regularly turn around in it and get up on her knees. Any advice on how to handle that or are we OK as long as Cameron stays on the chair?

I am not completely opposed to spanking but I always thought that spanking would be reserved for major offenses and when Cameron was older (say 2.5) and could understand more. I always thought that DH would be the spanker and I would be the patient mommy. Yeah, right. I went in the opposite direction on Monday evening. I spanked Cameron when she wouldn’t sit down in the bath. I had been battling her for over an hour where she would do nothing but cry and fuss and be a general pain in the ass. My temper took over and before I knew it I picked Cameron up, smacked her on the butt twice and said, “You need to sit down when you are in the bath!” Two deep breaths later and I had regained control and put on my happy mommy voice.

I know I need to be better about passing Cameron off to DH when I find myself getting frustrated and vice versa. While I am not opposed to spanking (obviously, having done it already), I think that it just escalates the situation. Cameron didn’t calm down until after I had engaged her in a completely new activity after the spanking. That’s not always feasible because sometimes we have to get something done (bath, car ride, etc.). I ended up giving her the fastest bath of her life while she cried the entire time. Then it was two more time outs during dinner for throwing her milk and refusing to eat. Gah. Don’t even get me started on the eating battles we’re having. I promise a whole post on that topic soon. And another timeout during bedtime stories. If I had a choice I would have passed Cameron off to DH for bedtime but she only wanted me and rather than endure another meltdown I sucked it up.

I think the hardest part for me is that I do get mad at Cameron. I know she is just being a toddler but she is bright and it gives me unrealistic expectations about what she can understand. Plus, I sometimes want to stay mad! I can’t just turn off the switch after 30 seconds and be happy mommy again. I mean, I do it, because otherwise she would be even more miserable but it’s hard. Finally, she wants me all the time when she is upset. But when I didn’t make it home last night for her dinner/bedtime she had a great time with DH. So it kind of makes me feel like she is saving up her angst for me, you know?

It does get better, right? What did you and your spouse decide to do about discipline? Did s/he have opinions? If so, how did you compromise? And feel free to validate my spanking, even if it’s just to make me feel better. You can also tell me that I'm going to hell for it too. I can take it.

Starting up toddler discipline

It’s time for DH and me to bite the bullet and start disciplining Cameron. I would have preferred to wait until she was a little older and just use the tried and true method of redirection until then but then this week happened.

On Sunday I had a lovely play date with my friend Amanda and her son Holden. It was so cute to see how excited Holden was by Charlie and he was constantly petting the dog. So that part went well. What didn’t go well was when Cameron decided anything Holden had she needed RIGHT THEN and WITH FORCE. There was toy grabbing, pushing and a couple of close calls with biting. I don’t mind if Cameron stands up for herself but being a bully is not something I want to encourage and I don’t think that redirection and/or ignoring her is cutting it.

Monday we got a sad face on Cameron’s daily daycare report and a note telling us that she was very aggressive with her friends, pushing and grabbing toys. Tuesday was a repeat. I spoke with her main teacher who told me that occasionally she will put Cameron in a crib if she is being too aggressive but only if she (the teacher) was changing diapers and couldn’t intervene directly. Her teacher assured me that it is a phase and she sees it all the time, especially with bright children. While appreciate the stroke to my parenting ego I can’t just let this go. Cameron was also pushy with her cousins on vacation so this has been a phase for more than a few weeks and I worry about it morphing into habitual behavior.

There are a few things running through my mind:

• Is this because Cameron is an only child and doesn’t have to share her toys at home? Well, she has to share at school and we have fairly regular play dates and outings to the splash park so I don’t think that is really the right question. Although perhaps I could use it as an argument to convince DH to have another?
• Is this because Cameron is the oldest child in her room (by a few months)? This one carries a little more weight with me. Cameron needs to learn her limits from other kids, not just adults. But as the oldest by a few months she is a lot bigger, faster and naturally more aggressive. The challenge is that she won’t move up to the next room until 18 months so we have at least another 2 months of this to manage/correct until then. And of course once she starts to Transition you KNOW that I will have other issues…ah, the joys of parenting!
• Do we really need to start formal disciplining with a toddler? I’m not opposed to this but I’m looking for experiences from my readers about time outs, good discipline/parenting books about toddlers and even general empathy. Please reassure me that my child is not going to turn out to be a sociopath!!

Vampire fever hits our household

No, I'm not talking about the latest vampire movie or TV show (although Vampire Diaries is fabulous and I highly recommend it), but rather Cameron's recent habit of biting every other kid in her daycare. I now have THAT child. In her defense Cameron is getting all 4 canines at the same time (one popped through, three more to go!). I've asked daycare to let her have her pacifier more often to avoid the number of "accident" reports going home with other kids.

Another big fun item is the continued hitting. We've started saying, "no hitting" and then "one" or "two" depending on the situation. We aren't doing time outs yet (more redirection or removal from the situation) but we're trying to lay the groundwork. It's super fun when she gets something taken away from her (for hitting usually) and then she throws herself down on the ground and screams and rolls and pounds her feet. Ah, the toddler time has hit our household hard!

Cameron loves to wear too big galoshes and whatever bib strikes her fancy. I have no doubt that she will want to dress up in my clothes, shoes and jewelry very soon.

Would you look at that hair? This child will not let me put anything in it. Even the teeny tiny elastic bands are no match for her questing hands. But I refuse to get a haircut. I'd rather wait it out.
DH taught Cameron how to put socks and shoes on her hands. Guess what she wants to do all the time now?

The fireplace is strictly off limits unless Cameron is sitting on it nicely. No standing or crawling aloud. I'm actually impressed at how she listens when we tell her "sit" if she starts to climb up on it.

Cameron's hair is tamed due to a bath. She is all dressed up before we went out to a BBQ with our neighbors.