5 months, three weeks, 3 days

On Thursday I stopped breastfeeding. As the title indicates I made it almost 6 months. It was the pumping that did it. I came back from my trip and decided I had had it. Enough worrying about my supply, finding the time and energy to pump. And now? I feel like a new woman. My body was obviously ready for it as I've already gone more than 24 hours without having to pump. I have enough breast milk to get Cameron through the week or so, supplementing with some formula to get her used to it. It's absolutely wonderful to mix a bottle and not stress about her finishing it because I can't bear to waste the precious milk I worked so hard to produce.

Originally I had planned to breastfeed for a year. It was that magical mark that the World Health Organization and other bodies cite as the best time frame for breastfeeding. But once I returned to work and started pumping I quickly realized that going a year was not feasible. I am extremely impressed with mothers who can go that long. I am not one of them. Cameron was only nursing off of me in the mornings so I haven't felt the lack of closeness. I do wish I had some nice, discrete nursing photos but considering I'm usually the one behind the camera it never happened.

Some of the other benefits of not breastfeeding? DH can shoulder the morning routines. And you know what that means! More sleep for me. I can also have a couple of drinks without worrying I'm poisoning my child. I'm going to try and not be defensive about my choice to stop breastfeeding. But I've already found myself justifying it to my husband (not that he judges) and other family members. I do wonder if I hadn't struggled so much with supply issues if I could have gone longer. But the decision has been made and I am happy with it. Of course if my readers want to shower me with support, who am I to turn it down?

A happy, health baby, even on formula...

Losing the battle of the bottle

This weekend was a bit of a turning point for me in feeding Cameron. DH and I went together to drop off Cameron at school on Friday morning. I work from home most Fridays and it's a nice ritual for us to go together. Plus I wouldn't get to interact with her main teacher unless I had at least one drop off. Miss Tanya works 6 AM - 3 PM shift and I usually do pick up.

I really wanted to talk with Miss Tanya (these Southerners LOVE their "Miss" and "Mister" in front of first names!) because I have become very concerned with Cameron's napping. Or rather I should say her lack of napping. One day I picked her up and she had only slept 50 minutes. 50 minutes! This is from a girl who naps 5 hours a day on the weekend! Grrrr. Anyway, Miss Tanya assured me that they were trying to put Cameron down and swaddled her and rocked her but she just won't sleep. Apparently she will lie in her crib for some "quiet time" but 50% of the time she won't fall asleep. I guess I'll worry about it more if she stops napping for me.

I was also assured that she never cries except when she has been reaching the end of her 4 ounce bottle. It was like a dagger to the heart, people! I have been starving my child. OK, dramatics over. So I have upped her bottles to 5 ounces (3 bottles total at school). And she has been drinking every single drop. What does that mean for me? That she is much less interested in the boob.

Weekdays are fine because I just nurse her twice: wake up and evening. She's always had a final bottle before bed and I'm not messing with that because for 6 nights now she's slept through the night. Damn, I probably shouldn't have written that in case Cameron reads this blog. I pump 3x times and get about 12-13 ounces total. Doing the math I need 19 ounces for school and final bottle leaving me with -6. I have plenty of stored milk that I'm leveraging but that will probably be gone by the time she is six months old.

The bigger problem is that on the weekends Cameron doesn't want to nurse exclusively. She wants the bottle. It gives her more and she works less to get it. And really, who can blame her? I can probably get in an extra nursing session but she'll still want bottles. So it becomes the worst of both worlds. I (or DH) have to give Cameron a bottle and then pump. Basically I'll be doing twice as much work. Is this sustainable? Hell, no. I am considering dropping all pumping once she hits 6 months and nursing 2x and supplementing with formula. But we'll see. Maybe I'll be a glutton for punishment and continue. Plus despite being able to provide only breast milk for 6 months I will still feel like a failure for not making it to a year. I swear this is why women should have a year of maternity leave. It is so damn hard to make breastfeeding work if you work full time. And if WHO and other organizations recommend a year then we really need a year of maternity leave. OK, getting off my soap box.

A couple of questions for my readers. How do I introduce formula? Is it better to mix it with breast milk or just give an entire bottle of it? DH thinks Cameron won't like the taste of formula because she has only ever had breast milk. Is that possible? Will the mixing help with that?

It must be done

This morning I decided Cameron will start sleeping through the night. Whether she agrees or not will be determined. Here's the thing. I don't mind getting up for a middle of the night feeding. But what it has become is more of an early morning feeding. 3:30 or 4 AM. I feed her, she goes back to sleep and I wake her up around 6:45 for another feeding before I leave. The problem? She doesn't really eat at that second feeding. She eats off one side for about 8 minutes and then usually spits up 1/2 of it. Then what happens is she wants her bottle at daycare earlier than normal and it cascades throughout the day.

I wouldn't even mind that if not for the fact that it requires me to pump immediately after arriving at work. That means my work day starts a bit later and I end up pumping 4 times at work. Yes, 4 freaking times! I am trying to cut back but there are those pesky supply issues I'm worried about. I've actually starting pumping just about what I need so I would hate to see that stop.

So here's my game plan: pacify her until 6 AM. Yup, that's it. The sum total of my awesome strategy. It will involve a lot of getting up by me and DH but I'm hoping after a few nights she will start sleeping on her own until 6 AM. It starts our morning juggle a bit earlier too but we can handle that. After all, it's not like we'll get much sleep with the "pacify her until 6 AM" plan. Am I crazy? Has anyone else dealt with this and have advice you can share with me? Or how about just good thoughts?

Cameron's last feeding is 4 ounces at around 6:30 PM if anyone is curious. We still keep her tightly swaddled throughout the night. Her stomach used to grumble while I was feeding her in the middle of the night but that hasn't happened for a couple of weeks so I don't think she's starving when she wakes up, if that makes sense.

Slave to the pump

Warning: this is a pumping/breastfeeding post. So if you are not interested in why/how breastfeeding and pumping are stressful for moms, this is not a post for you!

Now that I am back at work I have already noticed a decrease in my milk supply. I used to be able to net 8 ounces a day for my freezer stash. Now I am at a -4 ounces. It is very, very annoying. I was pumping only twice at work but now I am upping it to three times a day. This is running havoc with my work schedule especially because I am usually in 8 hours of meetings a day. Yup, who has time to get real work done when there are all those meetings to attend?

Thank goodness for technology or I wouldn't have the flexibility to pump as often as I do. I have a Blackberry and Bluetooth earpiece so I can just dial into a meeting while pumping. True, it's a little weird but a mother has to do what a mother needs to do. The biggest challenge is that I don't bring my computer with me so I can't IM with colleagues throughout the meeting. But that's not necessarily a bad thing since it forces me to pay closer attention to the call. Me? Multitasking? Why, of course!

Anyway, back to the milk supply. I have been doing a lot of reading on the subject and frankly, I am not prepared to go the lengths recommended to ensure that Cameron has enough milk just off of my from pumping during the day. Apparently I am not supposed to be using my freezer stash - just giving her what I pump and if it's not enough she will adjust. For example, did you know that reverse cycling is a good thing for a working mother? Yeah, just what I want: for Cameron to wake up multiple times during the night to feed instead of once. Supposedly it is easier with co-sleeping but screw that! I like that Cameron is in her crib in her own room.

Another recommendation is to eat lots of protein and oatmeal. OK, I can do some of that but I am also the pickiest eater on the planet so that's challenging. Not to mention, who the heck has time to plan out lunches and dinners like that? I can barely get bottles washed in time for the next day!

So I have been supplementing with frozen milk and ending up about 4 ounces short a day with just pumping. I use 8 ounces of frozen milk and 4 ounces of fresh for her daycare bottles. I BF in the AM, evening and middle of the night. I do also give Cameron a small bottle before bed (with daycare leftovers and some fresh milk) so that DH can put her down and it's not always me. I also pump once before bed to "make up" for that extra bottle. Basically that means I am using 8 ounces of frozen milk and 8 ounces of fresh milk and only freezing about 4 ounces of fresh milk a day with my current pumping output (4 times a day). I am also exclusively BFing during the weekend to try and get my supply up. Cameron doesn't like that so much because she actually gets smaller amounts off of me during the afternoons than her bottles at daycare.

At my current rate with my freezer stash I can last about 90 days before I run out. Not too shabby, right? That means Cameron will be at least six months old and probably on solids at that point. So, why am I still stressing about milk?

Seriously, people, why? It's like I have this complete neurosis to make sure I can give Cameron plenty of food off of me. And it's not even like I am against formula or anything. I just know that Cameron reacts well to breast milk and she's never had formula so who knows what could happen? Yes, I am completely insane. Let's hear from other moms. How did you handle not having enough breast milk? Or what did you do to increase your supply?

A wonderful day all around

Apparently I am not cut out to be a stay at home mom. Why? Because today felt absolutely liberating. True, I won't be back at work until Monday but it was wonderful to spend most of the day not thinking about Cameron. Scratch that. I thought about her all day. I just didn't have to think about her in terms of doing something with her or for her.

Cameron wears a special outfit from her aunt Allison for her first day of school.

The house felt oddly quiet after I got back from dropping her off (20 minutes round trip) and it was weird to not have to be quiet while walking around or carry a monitor. I cleaned, talked to my sisters, pumped and then went to the mall. And while at the mall I didn't have to think about the following:

• Do I have the diaper bag?
• Will the carriage fit through the store and in the changing room? (I'll have to do another post about how bad stores are about this)
• Does she need a diaper change?
• Does she need to eat?
• Will I be home in time for her next nap?

Me? Extra work while Mommy runs errands? Never!

True, I did have to pay some attention to the clock to be home to pump again but there's a lot more flexibility with pumping than breastfeeding. Plus, now I can see how much she probably gets off of me at her regular feeding times. Very eye opening! I think that with a consistent volume at daycare Cameron might be dropping a feeding. But we'll see.

I called the school around lunch time just to check in. I was told that she had already napped twice (good) and eaten two bottles (also good).

Cameron is ready for her first day of school

After picking Cameron up from school I discovered she had two very short naps (like 15 minutes) and one long 90 minute nap. She was just about to fall asleep for her last nap so I quickly scooped her up and cuddled her. I got snuggles and smiles from her right away. The teachers told me she had a wonderful day which was great to hear.

Cameron is sleeping as I post this for her final nap of the day. We both survived and I would argue thrived during Cameron's first day of school!

Updated: Of course Charlie had to go and throw up all over the carpet as soon as I posted this. Isn't that always the way?!?

Fussy eater

Cameron has been a very fussy eater lately. She keeps pulling off and crying. I was at my wits end so did the typical mom move. I Googled it. What did mothers do without the Internet?!?

I was really worried that Cameron was just not getting enough food from me to keep her happy. But based on my research she is fine and has enough appropriate diaper changes each day. I so wish I had my own scale for her just to double check but that's just my Type A personality talking.

It turns out that Cameron just wants her food very fast and doesn't want to work for it. She seems to favor the hare over the tortoise. My solution? Add in an extra feeding so she doesn't get frustrated.

I found a couple of really great links I wanted to post here for current and future breastfeeding moms:
http://www.askmoxie.org/2008/02/qa-fussy-baby-w.html
http://www.kellymom.com/bf/concerns/baby/fussy-while-nursing.html

Cameron's extra feeding now means she eats consistently every 3 hours. It adds another nap too but since we will just have to deal with that on the weekends, I'm OK with it. Plus that means her naps are shorter which I think is a good thing for daycare. It was sometimes a battle for me to keep her asleep for 2 hours and I had a dark room and cradle swing.

Has anyone else experienced this an increase in number of feedings? I figured she would reduce her feedings as she gets older but it appears with breastfeeding that she needs more. I assume if I had a larger supply at any given feeding she would not need the extra one. Will my supply eventually increase so we can reduce the number of feedings or am I stuck with every 3 hours?

Planning for Cameron's first day of daycare

Is anyone surprised that I am already in planning mode for Cameron's first day of daycare? I thought not! The daycare provides the following for us: wipes, bibs and formula. I need to provide bottles (since she will be getting breast milk), diapers, and anything else I want. The daycare changes all infants every hour (unless napping) so that means a lot of diapers to be sent along each week!

Here are the other items I plan on packing in Cameron's bag:

• One extra outfit
• One extra pair of socks
• Pacifier
• Swaddle blanket
• Diapers

Should I have an extra onesie just in case? Is there anything else I might be missing? I will probably not be doing full days for the first week. More to ease me into it than Cameron!

The daycare feeds Cameron according to her own schedule which is nice except for two issues: she's picked up an extra feeding in the last week and I don't really know how much she eats off of me in general. I am planning to send 4 four ounce bottles with her with the hope that she only needs 3 of the four and I can do two feedings before bed. That is in addition to the middle of the night feeding and morning feeding. For other moms who breastfed before starting daycare is that enough ounces to send along with her? I will provide the daycare with a schedule but also leave it to their discretion/experience as Cameron needs.

The biggest plus to Cameron starting daycare a week before I go back to work is that I can nail down a routine for her and also have my days free. I need to figure out a good pumping schedule and do some shopping. I haven't tried on my work clothes yet, post-baby, and have a feeling I will need a few roomier outfits to get me started. Sigh. Apparently unlike the denizens of Hollywood breastfeeding isn't all I need to get back my pre-baby figure!

I swear I was watching her grow

Cameron has decided to ignore conventional wisdom and embark on a growth spurt in her 11th week. This is her first growth spurt that I've noticed and I'm exhausted! She is feeding about every 2 hours (starting at 4 AM) and I have to supplement because I'm not producing enough. Or rather, I'm not producing it fast enough for the little glutton.

I got her up for her playdate we hosted and I swear she was bigger than when I put her down. Her clothes are definitely stretching to the limit which means next week we are moving into the 3-6 month stuff. Has anyone else experienced what I have in seeing their children physically grow? Or am I going crazy?

Cameron is a sweetheart while Grammy and Bumpa are in town Cameron's affection for her toy presages her growth spurt.

The morning nap commences

I devoured Dr. Weissbluth's book, Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child over the past week. Well, I read up through the chapter on months 0-4 but since Cameron is only 6 weeks old (can you believe she is already 6 weeks?!?), I figure I still have time for the rest. Because of her age, there is a lot of what Weissbluth writes that I just can't apply yet to her. But it has been very helpful in identifying her current sleep habits and thinking about how I would like them to develop before she starts day care.

Cameron definitely falls into the "easy baby" category. Yes, I know I am blessed. She has always slept well and has only had one middle of the night feeding since she was a week old. I think it's interesting that Dr. Weissbluth argues a middle of the night feeding isn't hunger related. Of course, at Cameron's age, that just isn't true. She is definitely hungry when she wakes up. I assume it won't be until she is close to 4 months old before that feeding will be phased out. More on that later.

The book also talked about how the morning nap develops first. I scoffed initially. Cameron was really set in her 6:30 AM feeding, nap for about 90 minutes and then 9:30 AM feeding. But lo and behold, she is now sleeping from 8:30 AM to 11:00 or 11:30! Cameron has done this for the past two days so I am taking it as a sign of a new pattern. My biggest concern is that this basically means she misses a morning feeding. She still eats at 4 times in the afternoon so should I be worried? She is taking 4 ounces in her afternoon bottle so I assume she gets about the same or more off of me.

Bedtime has been going really well although Cameron stays up between her 6:30 PM and last feeding (usually around 8:15) so she is very cranky by the time she goes to bed. My question for the readers is, should I be considering a "dream feeding" at say 11 PM? She gets up at 3:30 AM now but perhaps with the dream feed she could stretch to her first morning feeding? I'm a little clueless on what dream feeds are. Do I leave her all swaddled up and just give her the bottle in the crib? Or do I pick her up? Should she get a full 4 ounces or less? Please pass along any and all advice!

Cameron has also been discovering her tongue which is really cute. I'm trying to capture a picture of it but no luck so far. Instead, here is another picture of her looking adorable :-)

Finding the right breast pump

For almost a month now I have been using a hospital grade rental breast pump. Specifically the Medela Symphony 2.0 breast pump. And it has been wonderful. I only pump 3 times a day but will be pumping more when I return to work. Which, by the way, is creeping up far too quickly! It takes me about 15 minutes (really 10 but I try to eek out more) to pump 3-5 ounces depending on how much she feeds beforehand.

The rental is about $70 a month so it doesn't make economic sense for me to keep it since I plan to breastfeed for a year. With that in mind I have decided to purchase a breast pump of my own. The one recommended by my hospital is the Medela Pump In Style Advanced Breast Pump. I like that it has two distinct modes, let-down and expression, because that is what the Symphony does as well. I heard it is noisier than the Symphony but hopefully it isn't that much louder.

Before I run out and spend almost $300, I was wondering if I should be considering any other breast pumps? Keep in mind that I have been spoiled by a hospital grade pump so far so I will be very picky!

One other issue I will comment on in this breastfeeding post is that I am still using a nipple shield. Yes, it is my crutch and I just can't let it go! Cameron has a bad habit of tucking her bottom lip in while feeding which doesn't allow for a very good latch without the shield. I can nurse her for a couple of minutes without it and then we both get frustrated and on the shield goes. Any advice from other breastfeeding moms who have encountered this? Is waiting until she's a bit older a bad thing?

Lessons in breastfeeding - part 2

I figured I would warn any of you not interested in reading about breastfeeding with the title of the post. Considerate of me, no?

Yesterday Cameron and I went to the pediatricians' office to meet with a lactation consultant. One of the things I really like about the practice we now go to is that they have a dedicated lactation consultant and I can see her as often as I want for just a co-pay.

The best part about the visit was that the consultant (Jan Ellen) weighed Cameron before, during and after the feedings so I could see how much intake she was actually getting. It turns out she is getting just under 2 ounces which is great. Jan Ellen also helped me to tweak the positioning of Cameron to make it more comfortable for both of us. And she was very non-judgemental and supportive of my use of a nipple shield. I do plan on weaning off of that soon but it's really helping with a quick latch.

As a result of the session I have been exclusively breastfeeding during the day and supplementing with some pumped milk at night. The extra milk at night has helped keep Cameron sleeping longer which is great for me and DH! Last night she slept from 8 PM to 9 AM with only 3 wake ups for feeding. That means DH and I got about 7 hours of sleep. How great is that? Not that I expect it to be that way every night but it was very, very nice. I'm pumping every other feeding to keep my supply up and am still managing to save and store some.

Now I need to get the trick of breastfeeding without hanging out everywhere :-) My brother, Andrew, is coming to visit today for a couple of nights and I doubt he wants to see his sister's boobs every couple of hours. Perhaps I'm better off just feeding Cameron in her nursery although if I run out of trashy magazines, that could get boring fast.

I promise more cute Cameron pictures tomorrow and perhaps a family photo now that we will have someone here to take pictures for us.

Welcome to the world, baby girl

Yesterday, March 24, 2009 at 1:52 PM we welcomed Cameron Patricia into our family. She weighed 7 pounds 10 ounces and is 18.5 inches long. And needless to say, is also absolutely perfect!

DH and I met with the doctor last week and we decided to proceed with a c-section. It could not have gone better. Ironically, while hooked up for the pre-op tests, I was having contractions 4 minutes apart. And I couldn't even tell! I'm already up and moving around and will hopefully get some solid food for lunch. I can't tell you how much I'm looking forward to that!

Cameron has already had some great feeding sessions this morning after being very sleepy and not interested in feeding for most of yesterday. I guess that isn't uncommon in c-section babies. She also had to go to the NICU briefly because she was grunting after she came out. I didn't get to hold her until a couple of hours after I was in recovery. But I got to see DH hold her before she was whisked off.

We actually got a few hours of sleep last night. Cameron has been sleeping 2-3 hours at a stretch which I hope continues. I think she looks a lot like DH but it's hard to tell with her this small. Here are a couple of pictures. She has so much hair! And it is longer in the back and kind of kinked so I think she will have curls.

Stacey getting ready to walk to the OR.

Little Cameron is already posing for pictures.

Our first family photo

Lessons in breastfeeding

It has been a rainy, dreary last few days in Charlotte. Perfect weather for 2 1/2 hours in a classroom learning about breastfeeding.

DH and I went to the hospital for our last class before the baby comes. We did the birthing class about a month ago, infant CPR earlier in the week and now breastfeeding. We're as prepared as we can possibly be at this point! Now we're just waiting for our daughter to arrive and teach us what idiots we are for trying to learn anything...

I had assumed the breastfeeding class would be similar to the other two we attended: at most 7 couples in an intimate setting. Instead we ended up in a room crammed with approximately 40 other people. The class was presentation style and the instructor decided that dimming the lights in a basement room on a Saturday afternoon was the way to go. Good thing I was so invested in the class and had no problems staying alert. Unlike a few classes from undergrad or MBA school I can think of.

I liked the class because it was wasn't extremely evangelistic. The instructor went over the benefits of breastfeeding but didn't demonize formula feeding. I'm very happy about that because people who talk in absolutes completely turn me off. I believe in the benefits of breastfeeding but don't need to be preached at about it.

Breastfeeding is probably the thing I worry about the most (aside from dealing with lack of sleep) about being a mom. Despite the research I've done which says breastfeeding is hard, there is still a big part of me that thinks it should be easy. It's natural after all, right? Breastfeeding is one of the things I can give to my child aside from my time, attention and love. I'd like to do it correctly with a minimum of fuss and be able to maintain it after I return to work through pumping. But I worry that my expectations are completely unrealistic and I will be disappointed.

The class itself didn't present anything new to me. I have been researching for a while and am about half way through The Nursing Mother's Companion. I am glad I waited to attend the class so close to my due date if only because it served as a "refresher" and will hopefully stick in my head long enough to be applied post delivery. Whether I end up delivering vaginally or via c-section, I am determined to have the immediate nursing experience (or in recovery) to establish good habits from the very beginning. However, many new mothers have shared with me their less than ideal experience, primarily because delivery nurses are not certified as lactation consultants. I've heard that a nurse will basically shove the baby on the nipple and not worry about a proper latch. The result is blisters right away. I'm going to be pretty out of it so it will be up to DH to help me ensure a good initial latch.

My hospital does provide hospital grade pumps in every recovery room and I can rent one for about $60 a month once I return home. I'm probably going to go that route until I figure out what I really plan on doing pumping-wise when I return to work. Depending on how breastfeeding goes I will then decide if I want to invest in my own pump which would be critical if I decide to pump after returning to work. I hope that I will not be using the pump in the hospital room and instead work with DH, the nurses, the lactation consultants and of course my daughter to breastfeed. I'd prefer to exclusively breastfeed while I'm in the hospital (not pump) because I know I will have a lot of support while I'm there.

For all the mothers out there who have tried breastfeeding, do you have specific recommendations for what I should be focused on immediately after delivery? What about for women who had c-sections? Or vaginal deliveries?