Friday, January 30, 2009

AI Season 8 Auditions: NYC and Puerto Rico

Ryan claims that West Side Story is the inspiration for the NYC and Puerto Rico combination. I think it will be suckiness. Let's see who's right...

Does Puerto Rico even qualify as a potential stream for American Idol? They aren't a state, don't vote and don't pay taxes. Ryan clarifies that it is a US Territory. Hmmm, does that mean they get all the benefits and none of the crap of being Americans? Someone please clarify.

Anyone else distracted by the boat bobbing up and down in the window behind the judges? At some points during the show it disappeared and also had people climbing over it. Can you tell it's going to be a boring episode if I am focused on such a detail?

In NYC first up is an overly confident immigrant who quit her job because she "just knew" she was going to Hollywood. Needless to say, she's terrible and won't take no for an answer. Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell try to smooth things over for her to get her job back. It works which is really more than she could have asked for.

We move over to San Juan for Jorge. The accent is throwing me but I am going to say gay and dorky are two good descriptors. He sings some Latin song that make it hard for me to tell if he's really good or just faking it. He switches to English and is still pretty good. He is put through to Hollywood.

Still in San Juan we join up with Jessica who forgets how old she is. She is not Latina and won a contest to be there. She brought some family and friends with her who seemed to be having a better time drinking than holding signs. Jessica funds her lifestyle with contests. That's some dedication. Good thing she has it because she is not going to Hollywood despite her begging and pleading. Somehow the judges telling her she sucks turns around in her mind to "I wasn't being myself." Got to love delusional people!

Montage of delusional contestants.

In NY we meet Melinda (22) who has a "message" for humanity. And that message is best communicated while dancing naked in her room. Or letting her girls swing free. Enjoy it while you can, they won't stay perky forever! DH kept hoping a boob would fall out of her neon pink dress. I think she's already embarrassed herself enough. She sings Feeling Good and is actually pretty good. But with the personal insight she provided in this audition tape she either won't make it past Hollywood Week or be knocked out very early once America starts voting. We don't like the crazy shit.

Jackie (NYC) is the obligatory rocker chick. I get a raspy Janice Joplin vibe from her speaking voice. Unfortunately she doesn't have any kind of singing voice and just talks her way through a Jason Mraz song. Simon calls her shit out and asks her to sing another song with some real melody. It is much better than the first and the judges are digging it. Simon almost gets brained by the light blocking glass but continues on like the professional he is.

In San Juan there is much less talent. Montage of terrible singers and rejections from the judges.

Montage of "energetic" singers from both NYC and Puerto Rico. Followed by "comedic" performances including the "Crazy Rocker" in San Juan. He comes out as an iPod and Simon is immediately disgusted. Need I even say that he's terrible? I think the majority of these auditions so far have been a waste of our precious TV time. Nick Mitchell was Crazy Rocker's NYC counterpart. And was just as effective. But twice as gay. He did get a good shot off about Simon and Ryan's relationship. The judges are entertained by him (except Simon) and somehow he makes it through. DH rolls his eyes in disgust and claims that Kara is ruining the show.

Montage of good singers including a couple that kiss in front of their golden tickets. I give that relationship one day at Hollywood Week.

Montage of bad singers.

Monique (16) from San Juan brings her 9 year old brother with her and for some reason appears to actually like the kid. Shouldn't she resent him for taking all of her parents' attention away from her? The judges are charmed by Christopher and let Monique warble through two songs. She's pretty good but far from great. She gets a pass through to Hollywood with the admonishment to pick better songs and be less cabaret.

The last NYC contestant auditioned last year. I vaguely remember her as one of the rocker chicks. She cursed a lot in her exit interview. Apparently now she has found Buddhism and works the waiting room like she's royalty. Why do freaks think that a brief appearance on AI means they are famous? The judges remember her and Simon looks suspicious. As well he should, she's just as terrible as last year. DH and I place bets on whether she will snap when she is told no. Simon called it horrendous and she flips them off for old time's sake.

The last San Juan contestant is Patricia who picks Whitney Houston to audition yet. She has a generically good gospel singer voice. I question whether she can sing quietly as well as loudly. Simon didn't think it was good and a terrible song choice. Simon gives her another chance and she signs some song in Spanish that is a bit better. Randy says yes, Paula says no (shockingly!) but she makes it through.

And so ends our auditions. 9 are through from Puerto Rico and 26 from NYC. That brings us up to 149 who will be joining us next week in Hollywood. Prepare yourselves for the drama, the tears, the back stabbing. This is American Idol.

SJ out.


Mommy, Esq. said...

I was completely charmed by Christopher but assumed that because Ryan said he was cute I was going to hate him. I think you are projecting your feelings onto Monique re: your little brother. :)

Jordan said...

I want to find out what drugs "Crazy Rocker" is on and start taking them myself.

Natalie said...

it's like i can hear the american idol music at the end of your blog. Oh, 'tis the season! Now, I can't remember when they go to Hollywood does that mean that there's only one episode/week?